This is one of a series of chapters from my book about life with our special-needs daughter, Catherine.
All current chapters can be found here.
On Tuesday, March 18th, 2008, I knelt in the quiet church of St. Michael the Archangel in Worthington, OH. As I knelt there in the empty church, in the 3rd row near the center aisle, I stared through tears at the enormous wooden crucifix hanging over the altar.
It was Tuesday of Holy Week in 2008 and I was fully entering into Our Lord’s Passion. Moments earlier my wife had called me to let me know how her monthly visit with the OBGYN had went. She was 6 months pregnant with our 5th child. Her voice cracked, somehow her tears traveled through all of those wires and all of those miles into my ears and directly to my heart.
“Something is wrong”, she said, “we’re not sure what. The baby’s growth isn’t right and there’s a problem with his or her stomach. Dr. Parker is sending me to a specialist. Can you meet me?”
My head spun. My knees were weak. This was our 5th child, nothing like this had ever happened before. All of our boys were healthy, vibrant little balls of energy. In fact, they were probably adding grey hairs to my mother’s head as this phone conversation took place. I thought that surely this was a mistake but I knew by the sound of Nicole’s voice, it was real, it was happening.
“Sure, I can meet you”, I replied still trying to see clearly as I fought back tears.
“Okay, 2 o’clock this afternoon at St. Ann’s. I love you!”, she said forcing a smile through the distance.
I put my head down. “I love you too. See you in a bit.”
God has plans that we can never fully understand this side of Heaven. It was His perfect timing that this news would come during the most holy week of the year. The news could only come at this time when I had my eyes so fully trained upon Christ and him crucified. It gave me strength and consolation. It allowed me to unite my sufferings to those of Jesus and to “make up what is lacking in the sufferings in the body of Christ.”(Col 1:24)
I’d like to say that in the days, weeks, and years that followed that phone call that I clung to Christ. I’d like to say that from that moment in the church until this very moment, I never took my eyes off of Jesus, but I did. There were moments when I hated God and moments where I wept at His feet. There were times I questioned the existence of God and times where miracles abounded. Although I often, like Peter, took my eyes off of Jesus, through it all, He never took His eyes off of me and that’s what’s important.
This book is the story of how I have dealt with having a special-needs daughter. It’s a love story between her and me and God. It’s a story of the struggles and joys that my wife and I have experienced over the past sixteen years. It’s a story that follows us through Catherine’s life hanging in the balance at only a few days old, numerous surgeries, cancer, tube feedings, school, and so much more. It’s a story of perseverance and prayer, hope, and trusting that God still works miracles. We just need to open our eyes to see them.
I wrote this book for two specific reasons.
First, it’s a way for me to process all that we have been through. When you are in the heat of battle it’s often difficult to see the big picture. It’s difficult to process the wins and losses. Raising a large family, 8 children, is tough, add a special needs child into the middle of that and you find breathing a chore. As I contemplated and wrote this book, I realized there were so many things that happened that I had not yet processed, I had not yet come to terms with. Either I didn’t have time or I was afraid. This book has helped me process the events, come to terms with our situation, and overcome my fears and lack of trust in God.
Second, I know there are other parents out there who have struggled as we have. I wrote this book for them because I wish someone would have written it for me. I hope that it is especially helpful for fathers. Men and women process things differently. Events that my wife appears to shrug off have nearly destroyed me and vise versa. Statistics show that 80% of married couples who become parents of a special needs child end in divorce. I’d like to try, in some small way to change that statistic for the better. It’s my prayer that this book will help others through their struggles. You have to go through it but you don’t have to go through it alone. My wife and I are here. Contact us anytime.
I’m going to be brutally honest in the book. I want you to know that upfront. Sugarcoating anything from the past 16 years doesn’t help you or me. I’ll apologize in advance for anything that might offend but the honesty will help many. Life is just crappy sometimes, but more often, it’s awesome. It’s really awesome on the other side of those struggles.
Catherine Therese Hahn will turn 17 on May 2nd of this year, 2025. Yesterday, the girl who nearly died hours after her birth, the girl who spent 4 months in the hospital, the girl who had to have one eye removed due to cancer, the girl who didn’t learn how to feed herself until she was two, and the girl who still hasn’t learned how to drink, maneuvered her stander through the house and into her bedroom with the skills and precision of a professional gamer or in her case a surgeon. I had to hide in the bathroom as tears flowed as this little saint proved again that I should never assume she can’t do something.
Thanks for taking this journey with me. Let’s get started…
Read the next chapter, Who Sinned?, here.
James M. Hahn, Author 