Note: This was originally written in 2007 when we only had 4 children. We now have 8 and my advice to parents would be the same as below. I’ve added additional commentary, from now 23 years of experience, in italics.
Over the past few weeks this subject has come up many times in conversation and online. One person asked how to keep kids from using the Palms as “swords” at Mass and breaking them into a million little pieces. On a blog there was some lively debate on the practice of splitting up the Masses – mom goes to one Mass while dad watches the kids, then dad goes to Mass while mom watches the kids.
My wife and I are no experts on taking children to Mass but we know that that last practice is certainly not for our family unless absolutely necessary due to illness. So here I would like to offer some of the practices that we use for maintaining peace in the pews.
First, and this may fill the most disciplined parents with fear, we sit in the very front pew. The major reason for this move is that 99% of the would be distractions are behind us, literally. I can’t tell you how many times I have been the one frustrated with people sitting in the pews around us making faces at the boys and basically playing with them. This does not help my wife and me “train” them to behave in Church. Therefore, sitting up front is the best policy we have in place. In fact, now our boys would not want to sit anywhere else. They like to see what is going on, and here they have a clear view. They have a full 180 degree field of vision. Anything beyond that results in a tap on the shoulder. This has also had the unintended result of the kids learning the Mass better and even instilled a desire to be servers in some.
Second, mom and dad act like bookends. Gentleman-like, I let my wife go in the pew first, then the munchkins and then finally myself. This eliminates the chances of a little sprinter heading back up the aisle or up on the altar. This, by the way, was learned the hard way! By keeping the boys between mom and dad, every child is within reach and no “playing” on the kneelers, pew, etc. occurs.
Third, no extras. This means that we don’t allow toys, crayons, food, or books, unless they are prayer books or faith related. The toys that were meant to keep them busy become a object to fight over. The crayons only get lost, ground into the pew padding or melted into somebody’s good church pants. Food, even Cheerios, in our opinion is simply disrespectful.
Fourth, when a child must be removed it is not fun for the child. Whenever, we are forced to take one of the boys out, that child has to stay in our arms. The only choice he has is to be held in the back of church (cry room, hall) or go back to the pew. It doesn’t take long for the the child to reason that sitting on the pew with mom or dad and siblings is much more pleasant than having to be held in the back of church. If we were to let them down and run around, then that would be more appealing and you can be sure they would remember that for next week! I learned this when I was a DRE. I would watch parents bring their children out into the hall, put them down, and the kids saw it as play time. Every kid is different but this worked well for us as a way to keep them in the pews.
Fifth, there are rewards or bribes but there are also punishments. Gum is a favorite choice for our boys. If they are good they may have gum afterwards. If they are not good, not only do they not get gum but they also spend time on the bench in the utility room or they lose certain privileges. I don’t recall doing either much. The boys do remember the gum so I guess it worked in a way…
Finally, we also try to train them to sit patiently for extended periods of time. For instance, we require that they sit quietly, reverently, and participate, as much as they are able, in the daily family rosary. This training, in the comfort of our own home, provides a good lesson in patience – for them and us! I’ve learned that children can sit for a long time when asked to: movies, video games, analog games, etc., show that they are capable of this little ask.
Our training also consists of challenging them to listen for certain words or stories in the readings. My wife and I read the readings for ourselves and then as we are driving to Mass we challenge the boys to count how many times they hear this word or listen for this person’s name. We also try to review the Gospel with them beforehand in a way they can understand, even reading it from a children’s bible. So often they will look up at us or touch our hand when they hear something familiar in the readings. This is a practice that I hope they will carry on into their adult life.
These are some of the ideas that we have employed over the years or at least the ones that have worked the best for us and our children. This doesn’t mean that they are little angels at every Mass. It means that going in, we and they know the rules, they know what is expected and the majority of the time they meet and exceed those expectations. We thoroughly enjoy taking them all to Mass and never dread it. Some days are better than others but hey, that’s life!
I thought I might mention some of the not so great moments as way to prove that our kids aren’t perfect. Some of these instances were the driving forces for the practices mentioned above.
- Before I was to be introduced as the new DRE for a parish, one of my sons escaped the pew and bolted for the altar during the priest’s homily. It was funny but embarrassing to be sure.
- One of my sons was turned around messing with the books in the pew behind us. He lost his balance and tumbled backwards over the pew onto the floor. Yes, we were in the front of the Church and everyone saw it. Some even remember it today 20 years later!
- One of my sons decided to tie his shoelaces together shortly before going up to Communion. He shuffled the entire way to the delight of the congregation.
- My parents often say behind us and my dad would give the boys coins to put in the collection basket. However, many of the coins were dropped on the slanted, hardwood floor making a ruckus. Not only that, often times you could hear them hit the floor and roll all the way to the front of the Church.
- Most of my children, when they finally found their voice, loved to hear it echo off the vaulted walls and ceilings. This was most often done during the quieter parts of the Mass. If the parish doesn’t delight in the sound of children making a little noise during mass, I suggest looking for another parish.
I hope this helps someone in some way. If you have questions, reach out. If you have other ideas, let me know in the comments. Thanks for reading and praying and taking your children to Mass!
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James M. Hahn, Author 