Combined Experience
My wife and I will celebrate our 25th Wedding Anniversary on August 19th this year. It’s amazing to think that we’ve made it this far. When I mention this to others, they congratulate me and say that’s awesome, etc. It is. Today, that’s quite an accomplishment.
Recently though, I started changing it up. I wanted to give my presentation more oomph, more impact, more moxie.
Have you ever seen those attorney ads where they state, “Our firm has over 180 years of legal experience“? Granted, it’s two 90 year-old brothers, 10 associates, and 7 interns, but it sounds powerful. I want to tap into that 180 years of experience for all of my legal needs!
We’ll I’m doing that now regarding our marriage. Nicole and I will be celebrating nearly 50 years of marriage experience. It sounds more powerful and prestigious. It instantly makes us marriage experts (which we are not). We also have 135 years of parenting, homeschooling, cooking, chauffeuring, and medical (triage) experience!
Inappropriate Questions
We have 135 years of parenting experience because we have 8 children. We have 8 children because, well, never mind. It’s funny when you have that many children, people think they can just ask you about your private life. I’ve got all of the same old questions from friends and strangers:
“Are you done yet?” Me: I hope not!
“Don’t you have a hobby?” Me: Isn’t it obvious?
“Where do they all sleep?” Me: In their cages.
“How do you afford it?” Me: We sell one kidney from each child.
My favorite question is, “Do you know what causes that?”
I was with all of my kids one day in the checkout line at Wal-Mart. Which, by the way, is where I usually go for all of my family and parenting advice. This lady pipes up and says, “Do you know what causes that?” Usually, I am pretty reserved and respectful, especially towards the cry-baby-boomers, but I don’t know what came over me. I said, “we used to think it was the handcuffs but little Bobby here proved that theory wrong.”
This lady turned beet red and headed for another checkout line. “Good luck with that, ma’am. There’s 52 checkout lines but this is the only one open!“, I quipped as she walked away.
Raining Snickers
I quickly started distributing Snickers bars to all of the kids like Oprah Winfrey handing out cars. I did this because in my 87 years of parenting experience, at the time, Snickers Stop Snitchers! I told the kids that if they didn’t repeat what I just said to their mother, they’d get a Snickers bar every month for the rest of their lives. I also let them know that if even one person slipped, the deal was off for everyone.
This incredible bargain, this deal of a life time, lasted about 3 hours. At dinner that night, little no-handcuff Bobby asked Nicole what handcuffs were. The older kids glared at Bobby. In super-slow-motion, Nicole’s head slowly turned toward me as I gently explained that that’s what the police put on bad guys to keep them from getting away. Bobby then asked, in his sweetest little 4 year-old voice, “did that lady at Wal-Mart need handcuffs.“
The Look
At that moment my soul tried to leave my body. My wife looked at me with that look. You know, the one where you’re absolutely sure that she has super powers that allow her to know that you did something ridiculously stupid – in front of the kids.
She stared at me with those piercing, beautiful green eyes. The kids glared at Bobby with murderous intent. I prayed, “NOW Lord, let your servant go in peace…” No one ate because we were still full from the Snickers bars!
Oh well, I now know that I need to keep the handcuff reply to myself when the kids are around. I’ll just add that to my 135 years of parenting experience, subtract it from my nearly 50 years of marriage experience, carry the one, and move on. Lesson learned, maybe. I wonder if Gummy Bears would have been a better bribe?
Thank you
Hey, thanks for reading. This is just a smidge of the “stand up” routine I’m working on for fun. If you liked it, give it a like and consider subscribing. If not, can I offer you …. a Snickers?
James M. Hahn, Author 