My posting has been hit and miss. It has reflected my faith journey lately. I have been seriously struggling with what I believe. This is hard for many to believe but it is a serious condition that I label “Intellectual Catholicism.” This is a situation in which one knows Church teaching, can defend Church teaching, can preach and teach Church teachings, but has a difficult time living it or even believing it. In other words, its all in the head but not in the heart.
Today things are much better. I started praying the Liturgy of the Hours again last night and today. I’m getting back into the habit of daily scripture reading and meditation. I am also planning on Confession Wednesday if not sooner.
How does this happen? How do the low spots in the walk of faith occur? There is no single answer but a combination of answers. The greatest problem is selfishness. I actually became comfortable in my disbelief because in my mind it excused me from culpability. Another problem, that my wife pointed out in her own loving way, is that I am melancholic. I see the world as it out to be. I have in my mind the way things are supposed to appear and when they don’t work out that way I am crushed. My view of the faith was easily crushed when you consider the state of things in the Church today – scandal, liturgy, etc. Yet, when I reflected on this it made me realize that in throwing in the towel I was no longer part of the solution but part of the problem.
This faith thing is difficult at times. It seems as though the darkness has left for now, though I still struggle with some things, and I praise God for that. Please pray hard for me and for our Church who so desperately needs men and women to stand up and fight.
James M. Hahn, Author 