James Hahn

14 comments on Looking for advice, especially from dads

Looking for advice, especially from dads

I have always had these perfectly crafted ideas of taking each of my sons away for a day with just dad. I dreamed of us getting up in the morning and sneaking out to go fishing or hiking or simply working in the garden or whatever he wanted to do, one on one. I thought I would do this at least on their birthday if not on a rotational basis with one child every month. However, the best plans don’t often take into account human nature and fallen human nature.

This past June my eldest son turned six. I planned to surprise him early in the morning on his birthday and take him to work with me. When I went to wake him up his 4 year-old brother was already up too. So, I had a decision to make, do I break the heart of the one to take the other or do I take them both. I told our oldest what I was planning to do and he decided to “share” his day with his brother. This worked out well except for brother number 3 who was upset when we returned home.

How do others deal with this? If you have two or more children, do you set up “special” days? I believe these are important but perhaps I am wrong. If you do set them up, how do you handle the situation? Does it get easier when they are older? Mine are ages 1-6. Since we will be facing this situation again in September, I am planning on taking the oldest on a Father / Son camp out, any advice would be appreciated.

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James Hahn

14 responses to “Looking for advice, especially from dads”

  1. Avatar
    Anonymous

    IMHO you have to tell the child who is left behind that his turn will come also. Then make it a point to do something special with that child. Sometimes it seems you just can’t win, there will always be someone crying because they’re left out of that particular activity. But in the long run it’ll pay off. Growing a thick skin and becoming selectively deaf might help also. Welcome to fatherhood and good luck!

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  2. Avatar
    Anonymous

    subvet is right. Just tell the younger one/s that their time will come. Each child will get to realise that they get to have one-on-one time with Dad and will look forward to their time.We have 7 children and my on on one time is normally taking the child out shopping with me. They get to pick the special treats and we can chat away about many topics while driving to and fro.

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  3. Avatar
    Anonymous

    i have five children. two are too young to get too crazy about such things. But every year for their birthday my wife takes the child out for at least a few hours wherever they want to go. we make a big deal of it and explain that one gets to go at a time. this seems to work.

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  4. Avatar
    Anonymous

    Are your boys involved in scouting? You might want to consider that as an activity that you can do with them separately. The older ones would be involved in Cubs at this age, but at different levels so you could be involved in different projects with each.Also, from my experience Cub Scouting generally involves the whole family in the fun activities such as visits to ballgames, the zoo, etc., so if you want to bring the younger ones along sometimes, that’s ok. One additional piece of advice; try not to feel that you have to justify to your kids everything that you do. I know we all swore that we’d never say “Because I’m your father and I said so,” but darn it, that’s the right answer in a lot of these situations! As the father of four (ages 21 down to 12) I don’t think I’ve said it more than a couple of times, but I’ve thought it a couple of thousand times!

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  5. Avatar
    Anonymous

    As a father of 5 sons, I know that this kind of problem will present itself over and over again. There is no one way to handle things. Being able to change “plans” is vital for survival and really makes things easier. Sometimes one may be denied (until latter) and sometimes included. The biggest thing for me was when the kids were younger, planning what I thought they wanted to do only to be frustrated by their plans. For example planning a hike in the woods might result in one of the boys wanting to just sit behind the steering wheel of the parked car. What I thought would be a good time or event sometimes wasn’t what one or more of my sons had in mind. The most important thing is spending the time with them. Really, that’s all that they really desire from you.

    Like

    Reply
  6. Avatar
    Anonymous

    Thanks to all of you that commented. It really helped reaffirm the things I was thinking and feeling. It was really great to hear from those who have “been there and done that”.

    Like

    Reply
  7. Avatar
    Anonymous

    Jim -I’m not a dad, but I just wanted to throw this out there in case it helps:Perhaps you could schedule all your one-on-one time with each child in advance? You could make a big production of putting each of their dates on the calendar in colorful letters. Then when one child sees that you’re heading out with his brother, you could tell him, “Oh, I can’t WAIT until October when our special time is coming up! Be thinking about what you want to do!” That way they have a concrete date to look forward to and they know exactly when their time is coming.Just a thought.

    Like

    Reply
  8. Avatar
    Anonymous

    IMHO you have to tell the child who is left behind that his turn will come also. Then make it a point to do something special with that child. Sometimes it seems you just can’t win, there will always be someone crying because they’re left out of that particular activity. But in the long run it’ll pay off. Growing a thick skin and becoming selectively deaf might help also. Welcome to fatherhood and good luck!

    Like

    Reply
  9. Avatar
    Anonymous

    subvet is right. Just tell the younger one/s that their time will come. Each child will get to realise that they get to have one-on-one time with Dad and will look forward to their time.We have 7 children and my on on one time is normally taking the child out shopping with me. They get to pick the special treats and we can chat away about many topics while driving to and fro.

    Like

    Reply
  10. Avatar
    Anonymous

    i have five children. two are too young to get too crazy about such things. But every year for their birthday my wife takes the child out for at least a few hours wherever they want to go. we make a big deal of it and explain that one gets to go at a time. this seems to work.

    Like

    Reply
  11. Avatar
    Anonymous

    Are your boys involved in scouting? You might want to consider that as an activity that you can do with them separately. The older ones would be involved in Cubs at this age, but at different levels so you could be involved in different projects with each.Also, from my experience Cub Scouting generally involves the whole family in the fun activities such as visits to ballgames, the zoo, etc., so if you want to bring the younger ones along sometimes, that’s ok. One additional piece of advice; try not to feel that you have to justify to your kids everything that you do. I know we all swore that we’d never say “Because I’m your father and I said so,” but darn it, that’s the right answer in a lot of these situations! As the father of four (ages 21 down to 12) I don’t think I’ve said it more than a couple of times, but I’ve thought it a couple of thousand times!

    Like

    Reply
  12. Avatar
    Anonymous

    As a father of 5 sons, I know that this kind of problem will present itself over and over again. There is no one way to handle things. Being able to change “plans” is vital for survival and really makes things easier. Sometimes one may be denied (until latter) and sometimes included. The biggest thing for me was when the kids were younger, planning what I thought they wanted to do only to be frustrated by their plans. For example planning a hike in the woods might result in one of the boys wanting to just sit behind the steering wheel of the parked car. What I thought would be a good time or event sometimes wasn’t what one or more of my sons had in mind. The most important thing is spending the time with them. Really, that’s all that they really desire from you.

    Like

    Reply
  13. Avatar
    Anonymous

    Thanks to all of you that commented. It really helped reaffirm the things I was thinking and feeling. It was really great to hear from those who have “been there and done that”.

    Like

    Reply
  14. Avatar
    Anonymous

    Jim -I’m not a dad, but I just wanted to throw this out there in case it helps:Perhaps you could schedule all your one-on-one time with each child in advance? You could make a big production of putting each of their dates on the calendar in colorful letters. Then when one child sees that you’re heading out with his brother, you could tell him, “Oh, I can’t WAIT until October when our special time is coming up! Be thinking about what you want to do!” That way they have a concrete date to look forward to and they know exactly when their time is coming.Just a thought.

    Like

    Reply

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