The GAP and the GAIN: A book that has changed my life

In the Gap

No matter how hard you try, how fast you walk, or how far you go, you’ll never get to the horizon. Read that again. Think about it, it’s impossible to reach the horizon. Why? Because the horizon isn’t a fixed thing. Rather, it’s a perception. It’s a perception, from our place and space, of where the land and sky meet… but they don’t, ever. It’s not a real thing in the sense of it being tangible, reachable, attainable. It’s an ideal, it’s a dream, it’s a mirage, it’s a phantom. 

For most of my life, I’ve been working like crazy to reach the horizon; to stand there, to soak it in. Only now, at 52 years of age, do I realize it doesn’t exist. It’s not reachable. I will never get there. Neither will you. 

I’ve seen this ideal, this phantom, this mirage-horizon in my marriage, my children, my work, my hobbies, and my faith life. I’ve worked with gusto to reach this but only now do I realize that it’s all been a fool’s errand. I cannot achieve the ideal. Neither can you. While trying to reach this unattainable end I’ve made myself and those around me miserable. Most likely, so have you.

In my marriage I’ve had this idea(l) of how my spouse should behave, dress, speak, and engage with me. Whenever she doesn’t live up to the phantom ideal in my mind (which she could never know without me explicitly telling her) I become angry, bitter, resentful. I see her failing and falling short of my ideal as a failure to love and a failure of marriage. Whenever my children aren’t living up to their full potential (my ideal potential for them) I think of them and myself as failures. The same goes for co-workers and jobs, hobbies (I haven’t learned a foreign language, guitar, or piano) and personal pursuits (my books haven’t sold millions of copies and I don’t have millions of blog readers), and even God (He hasn’t rescued me when I ask, cured my daughter, or healed my infirmities). No one, not one person, not me, not even God has or can live up to “GAP” thinking. 

GAP thinking is a way of looking at the world that says, “not good enough” no matter what the situation. GAP thinking means there will always be a gap, a hole, a loss, a failure, no matter what is achieved. The GAP manifests itself because one with GAP thinking can only see the gap between where they are and the horizon and nothing else. If this is foreign to you. Thank the Lord! Trust me, it’s a miserable way to live a life!

In the Gain

Recently our family decided to finish our basement. We planned to add an entertainment area, a bathroom, a second kitchen area, and a guest bedroom. This project wasn’t one I wanted to hire out either, I wanted to do it myself.

At one point I fell deep into GAP thinking. It was when I was applying the first coat of drywall mud to the sheetrock I had hung. It wasn’t going as I had planned. The mud looked terrible and I fell into a depression and had a huge pity party for myself. I recalled all of the things in my life I’d tried and screwed up. The list was seemingly endless. In fact, in my GAP thinking, I’d never succeeded at anything – relationships, construction, parenting, education, health… You name it. If I thought of it, it stuck to the list far better than the mud to the drywall. This Litany of Failures of course only added to my depression and GAP thinking. I could see the horizon for each of those failures and how I’d never get there. I could see all of my friends and family, coworkers and strangers reaching the phantom-ideal but knew I never could. THIS is GAP thinking.

Yet, God sent me an angel disguised as a 7 year-old boy who simply asked, “Dad, how did you learn to do all the things that you do? You can fix anything! You fix our cars, bikes, toys, washer, and dryer! You built this house, the patio, the bunkbeds, our kitchen table and all the other stuff. How did you learn to do all of it?“

Thanks, Becket, for bringing me back to life, and prompting me live in the GAIN. To live in the GAIN is to take time to look back to see how far we’ve come, to celebrate our accomplishments and recognize our goodness. Living in the GAIN brings joy, prompts courage, and triggers a healthy pride. 

Here are some more of my GAP to GAIN transitions lately to help illustrate.

Education

GAP – I’ve considered myself a failure for years because I never went to college, never got a degree, and never became well educated. Since I didn’t consider myself well educated I excused myself from opportunities, and saw myself as incapable of even helping my children learn.

GAIN – I graduated high school, learned a trade, devoted 8 years of my life to teaching others about Christ, wrote books that have inspired thousands across the globe (even though helping one person would have been worth the effort), attained education and licensing in the financial realm, earned an Associates Degree in Business Management at age 50, and am pursing a Bachelors in English. I’ve become a life-long learner and have learned that age is truly just a number. I want the English degree simply for the pleasure of learning and to become a better writer. I want to become a better writer not to sell books or get blog followers but because I simply enjoy writing.

Work

GAP – I’ve never been able to stay at a job very long. I can’t keep focused on one thing. I’ll never be a CEO or climb the corporate ladder. I’m destined to work at jobs until the day I die. I hope I can stay in this job until I’m old enough to retire or die cause no one is going to hire an old man with a spoty resume and very little education.

GAIN – I’ve had some amazing jobs. I worked on a tree farm when I was a teenager. The work was back braking but being outside in the fields was like heaven. I’ve worked in grocery stores which exposed me to more people and gave me better people skills. I’ve worked for the Church and learned to be more compassionate. I’ve sold both cars and insurance and learned how to educate people. I’m working for a non-profit now that helps make life better for thousands of people in Central Ohio and beyond. I don’t what I’ll be doing 10 or 20 years from now but I know I’ll be learning, making connections, and helping people in some way.

Living in the GAIN really is a paradox – looking back to go forward. Looking back to see how far we’ve come, the progress we’ve made, is a fundamental way to stay rooted in who we are and who we hope to become. 

I’m reminded of a Wilderness Outreach trip I took in 2011 into the High Sierras in California. We were on a grueling hike to an elevation just below 10,000 feet to our base camp. The trail was a series of switch-backs that seemed to go on for miles just to gain the last few hundred feet. When I looked forward along the trail my heart sank, I fell into the GAP. I questioned my choice to join the expedition, I wondered how God could make a land so cruel and barren. Yet, when I looked back to see how far I’d come, I was inspired, I gained strength and courage to complete what I’d begun. Later in the trip we climbed even higher and I realized that they only way to see those incredible views was to keep pushing forward while reminding myself of how far I’d come.

I cannot recommend this book enough to everyone but especially those who like myself have lived a life of GAP thinking, who have suffered with depression and addiction. The concepts in the book are truly life changing. For the first time in nearly 25 years I’ve found that I’m truly happy. I’m happy with who I am. Happy with my relationships. Happy with my failures. Happy with life. This book has brought about a lot of healing tears and I am thankful for that. I’m thankful that even now, at this later part of my life, I finally realize – I am good, I have goodness, I’m whole again.

One last thought

As the author states in the book, goals and ideals do have a place. They are important. They serve as spotlights to show us the options and places we can or could go. However, when the ideal becomes the goal, GAP thinking immediately follows. Instead, I suggest that you imagine your life like the expedition mentioned above. Our life is a hike strewn with a myriad of different trails all open for us to chose. In fact there is no wrong path, only wrong thinking about where we are and where we would like to be. When used correctly, our goals and ideals can act as lights along the trail.

As I finish writing this blog post, I feel as though I’ve done the concept an injustice. There is so much more to it but I felt the need to share my experiences thus far and give you hope if you too live with GAP thinking. Get the book, read it, meditate on it. Feel free to email me and start a discussion about it. My life has truly changed and I think yours will too.