Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

This week, in the Diocese of Columbus, is a time of transition. Many priests will find themselves saying, “goodbye” to parishioners they have served for 2, 6, 12, or even more years. Many of them will also be saying, “hello” to new parishes and parishioners where they will share in the joys and sorrows of their flock for many years to come.

Transition is never easy for the priest or the laity. It is difficult for both priests and laity to separate from those they have come to know and love. It is difficult for both priests and laity to welcome strangers into their lives and allow them into the inmost parts of their family and souls.

While saying, “goodbye” can be rough, I believe saying, “hello” to be even more challenging. This is especially so for parishes and parishioners. The parish remains who it is and has been for some time. The parish is “forced” to welcome a stranger, learn about him, adjust to his “style” and personality. In the first year or so of service, the priest is more akin to a foreign exchange student than a father.

After witnessing this transition take place over 7 times in my adult Catholic life, I’d like to offer some advice to both the parish and the priest that may help make the transition faster and easier.

For the Parishioners

1. Pray – Pray that Father has the courage and the strength to fulfill his role as “Another Christ” to the best of his ability. Pray for his physical health. Pray for his mental health. Pray for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit upon him. Pray that he be strengthened in his virtues. Pray for his protection against weaknesses and temptations.
2. Be Patient – Put yourself in his shoes. He will be in a new surrounding with new people, new personalities, and quirks. He may be faced with operating a school, “inheriting” a large debt, or any other number of “problems” that will press on him almost immediately. Give him some space and time to settle in before bringing him a complaint (did you try going to your brother first) or arguing over some liturgical practice. Don’t expect him to “know it all”. His experience is on a spectrum not divinely given at ordination – offer, genuinely, to help.
3. Be Welcoming – A welcome celebration is great but it can also be overwhelming. Imagine everyone in your parish arriving at your home to eat and introduce themselves! If your new priest is introverted, he may need some time to recover from that! Learn what you can about him and after the dust settles send him a gift basket or a spiritual bouquet filled with the prayers your family prayed for him.
4. Invite him to Dinner – There is no better way to get to know a person than sharing a meal with them. This also offers a more relaxed atmosphere for the priest to really be himself. There is an added benefit to making this a regular event – it does foster vocations and love for priests. My children are able to see, through our many meals and gatherings with priests, that they are men; real human beings. They see that priests too like food, sports, board games, hunting, hiking, bowling, shooting guns, have hobbies, and so much more.

For the Priests

1. Pray – Pray for your parishioners and their families. Pray for their physical and mental health. Pray for those who are facing seemingly impossible challenges with divorce, addiction, finance, employment, children, and so much more. Pray for their conversion and for those in your parish boundaries who have left the Church. Let them know not only that you will pray for them but also that you did; a card, text, or phone call goes a long way in any relationship. Pray also, maybe most especially for yourself. If you haven’t already, commit to a daily holy hour. It is 100% true that you cannot give what you do not have or to put it in sales terms, why would I buy something from you that you don’t even own!
2. Be Present – There is a great book on how to foster friendships quickly: The Like Switch. In the book there are 4 things that foster friendships: Proximity, Frequency, Duration, and Intensity. Proximity is the first step because you cannot make friends without being close to someone. To the best of your ability, be present not only after Mass but also at sporting events, plays, concerts, and other places where you know your parishioners are gathering. It makes a huge impact on them and non-Catholics. This presence or proximity shows that you care about your flock. Like any relationship, love is very often spelled T-I-M-E.
3. Tread Lightly – Undoubtedly there will be changes that you will need to make to the parish, staff, liturgy, sanctuary, etc. If you want to lose friends and make enemies of your parishioners, make those changes on day one. This is the equivalent of my neighbor coming to my house to re-arrange my furniture, throw out some of my books, and cause my kids to be fearful of entering the house. Now, my furniture may need re-arranged or even tossed out. My books may need some thinning. However, there are obviously better approaches. Friendship first (not at all seeking to diminish your role as the Spiritual Father); this fosters trust. Trust leads to open communication and conversation which leads to healthy discussions about change. It is true that ultimately you are responsible and will be held accountable. It is true that some changes will have to be made that will rub parishioners the wrong way. But a word of advice from a father of 8, the “because I said so” line is often demeaning to children and makes you feel like garbage later on.
4. Invite Yourself to Dinner – Yes, seriously, even if you’re the most introverted introvert to walk the planet. Many of your parishioners are intimidated and hesitant to ask you to their home. Invite yourself, let them know that they don’t have to get out the fancy china, paper plates and pizza is fine. The point is not the food, it’s the flock. The better you know your flock, your spiritual children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren, the better Father you will be; you’ll be a better teacher and preacher. You’ll know them and their struggles which will give you wisdom to counsel.

I’m sorry for such a long post but I think we (parishioners and priests) need to do better job of quickly and lovingly creating our “blended family“.

I’ve never been a fan of moving priests every 6 to 12 years. In my mind, it’s a strange concept; a divorce mentality really. It says, “don’t get too attached, he’ll be leaving in a short while” or “just stick it out a little longer, he’ll be leaving in a short while.” It also makes it hard to take serious the instruction that parishioners should stay at their parish and not parish shop and hop (I’m guilty).

Regardless, my prayers are with all of the parishes, parishioners, and priests who will be making major transitions this week or in the coming months. Let us not forget we do not belong to a certain parish or priest but we belong to Christ. If we keep him the center of our lives God can do great things!

Have other helpful ideas to make these transitions easier? Put them in the comments. I’d love to read them!