Living Beyond the Likes: A Wake-Up Call

A carefully curated life

I didn’t post images of my kid’s bed after he vomited everywhere.
I didn’t post a video of two boys knocking each other around over a piece of Lego.
I didn’t post a photo of a sink full of dirty dishes and counters that abhor emptiness.
I didn’t post a video of me losing my mind because the kids left my tools out in the yard and I hit them with the mower.
I didn’t post a narrative of the “discussion” my wife and I had about our struggles with kids and finances.
I didn’t post a picture of a baby in a bouncy seat with a pile of poop beneath on his legs and feet.
I didn’t post a video of a tearful counseling session with a teenager dealing with hormones.

What I did post is beautiful images of family and farm life, children laughing, swimming, playing and relaxing.  I posted videos of nature and children enjoying nature.  I posted beautiful things, beautiful images…but that’s not real life.  At least, it’s not real life all of the time.

In a conversation recently, a friend commented about how beautiful our family is and how our lifestyle seems so ideal.  I laughed and told him that he doesn’t know the half of it.  He doesn’t.  No one except immediate family does.  Facebook friends, Instagram acquaintances, and Twitter followers only see what we want them to see. It’s all carefully curated. We want them to see the good and only the good.

We are living in a time of open voyeurism.  

We train the camera lens on our life, children, home and allow the world to view it.  We complain that the government watches our every move yet at the same time we broadcast it to the world.  We complain that Facebook controls what we see (they absolutely do), only allowing us to see posts that they think are relevant to us, or worse, manipulating our thoughts and worldview.  Yet we do the same, only showing the world how beautiful our life is, how awesome our vacations are, how yummy our food is, and how happy and fulfilled we are as human beings.

But many of us are not happy or fulfilled.  It’s why we waste countless hours viewing pictures, scanning posts, clicking on like or heart buttons.  We want to see that there’s good in the world somewhere but more importantly, we want to be entertained.  We want to be distracted from the unappealing, nasty, real life things we don’t post.  We want to escape unruly children, growing piles of bills, and failing marriages. We truly are amusing ourselves to death.

We are living in a time of escapism.  

Why else would we rather spend hour after hour staring at pixels and ignoring the world around us?  Why else would we choose to be friends-at-a-distance staring at pictures of food rather than inviting a friend out for coffee or lunch?  I often wonder what an outsider, maybe someone from another place or planet, would think about us.  Would their study of us find that we are being controlled by this hand-held device?  I can only image the report back to their researchers…

Report#4338927 – The subjects appear to be receiving commands from a tiny hand-held device.  Subject consults device every 10-12 minutes spending 3-15 minutes reviewing information.  Frequency and duration lessens during self transport in wheeled craft but increases substantially during waste matter evacuation.  Subjects often risk health and safety while consulting device.  Subjects will also stare at the command device while among their own species sitting in comfort in their domicile. We are not sure if they are communicating with each other, it doesn’t appear so. Subjects appear to be communicating with a central intelligence.  Will begin searching for the higher life form.

We are living in a time of egotism.

Let’s be honest, it feels good to get those “likes“.  It feels good to get a comment or, oh yeah, a share.  This voyeurism and escapism combine for a lifelong game of trying to get our ego stroked by friends and family who think our life is simply wonderful.  That dopamine dose becomes addictive (don’t imagine it’s not by design). We begin searching for ways to get our next high; a picture of the kids blowing bubbles, a video of the dog begging for some pulled-pork, re-posting pictures from last year’s vacation.

In the end, I post the most carefully curated images from my life hoping you’ll “like” them. You do the same. We feed each other’s egos and dopamine addictions. Back and forth we go ad infinitum, ad nauseum. Meanwhile, our true relationships stagnate. We don’t sit and have interesting conversations. We don’t hug, cry, or laugh together. We don’t share a delicious meal or dessert together. We don’t learn from one another’s life experiences in a deep or profound way. We don’t discuss books or a dialogue about our differences.

Dante’s Inferno

The common image of hell brings to mind a vast lake of fire filled with the souls of the damned. I like Dante’s image better and it fits more with our reality today. For Dante, Hell is the realm of the individual, mostly isolated for eternity. Our media technology has been pushing us in this direction for generations. Radios separated us from actually picking up an instrument and learning to play for family and friends. Televisions separated us from the front porch and our neighbors. The same televisions, placed in bedrooms, separated family members. Video games separated friends and family from analog games, many sports, and the real life interactions that teach us so much about ourselves and others.

Today, all of these things and more are wrapped up in a tiny hand-held device that demands more attention than a newborn baby. We no longer need to talk to our neighbors, family members, or friends. If we need them, we’ll send a text from our world of isolation. Like those in Dante’s hell, we are frozen, unable to move away from our phones and isolated from the very things that make us human – handshakes, facial expressions, hugs, arguments, making-up, physical touch, kisses, and so much more.

As the vicious cycle of posting and liking, posting and liking continues we continue our spiral into isolation, into a pixelated hell devoid of real human interaction. Depressed yet?

A Remedy

There is a remedy to all of this. It’s simple but difficult; difficult but rewarding. Turn it off. Ouch, that stings a little and if you’re anything like me, your brain will immediately rebel against such a radical idea. FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) is real. Your brain will start to give you a million reasons as to why this is a bad idea. You’ll miss a funny post, you enjoy those right? You’ll miss an important news story! What if there is a nuclear attack!? What if your child needs help and you’re not there to answer or text back? What if your car breaks down and you don’t have a phone? These are just a taste of the reasons my brain gives not to separate from my phone.

Our brains are interesting. They are “programmed” to protect – fight or flight. Our brain wants to protect us from pain and that’s a good thing. However, over the past couple of decades we have altered the program. Our brains now see our phones as part of ourselves. Our hippocampus sees turning off our phone and cutting off a hand equally. Don’t believe me? Tell yourself that this weekend you are finally going to cut off your hand. Sure, it sounds crazy (and it is, please don’t do it, this is a thought experiment). Now, see if your brain doesn’t start reasoning in the same way showing you why you shouldn’t do this. Your brain, and mine, sees the phone as an extension of ourselves and so it begins to panic.

Baby Steps

If turning it off completely is too radical, try some baby steps.

• Notifications: Simply turn those off. Notifications are a huge distraction throughout the day. Do you really need to be distracted from reading by a notification that someone you follow posted a picture of their potbellied pig? Do you need a notification that a Nigerian Princess has money she wants to give you? A notification for your family chat, sure but most other notifications simply disrupt your work, creativity, and train of thought; and it can suck you down the rabbit hole of scrolling mindlessly.
• Do Not Disturb: Set an alarm on your phone for two times during the day. For instance 10:00 AM and 4:00 PM. Set your phone to “Do Not Disturb”(Settings>Notifications>Do Not Disturb>(here you can choose what may reach you e.g. only calls, only texts, only alarms, etc)) I put my settings to only allow for phone calls and alarms) Then, put your phone down, pick up a book, get work done, cook, clean, walk, write, create, do that one thing that you’ve been putting off for a while.
  • When your alarm goes off, set a timer for 15-30 minutes. This will be the time you give yourself to check messages, emails, etc. Put the phone down when the timer goes off and get back to real life.
• Delete Apps: Apps are simply a convenient way to access a website. Other than some security apps, apps on your phone are a distraction that suck you in to time waste. By deleting apps from your phone, you are forced to only check on those time wasters by sitting down at a computer. Again, this is fine but I highly recommend setting a strict “check schedule” and timer for your screen time.
• Minimalist Phone App: Yes, I know that I just told you to delete your apps but this App may also be a huge help. The Minimalist Phone App removes the distraction of those bright, inviting apps and notifications that appear everytime you open your phone. On opening your phone, you see a black screen with a list of the few favorites you choose. To see other apps takes some work. You can organize your apps into folders (Finance, Security, Communication, etc) which make them easy to find. In addition, when you click on an app, you are given the opportunity to set a timer. The Minimalist Phone App will then notify you when you’ve spent the allotted time on the chosen app. Below are my home screen(L) and folders above the apps I haven’t put in folders or hidden(r)

Time for Life

So, now that you are free from the mindless scrolling, fishing for likes, arguing over politics, and liking 3 dozen memes about coffee, what do you do with your time? Here are some ideas:

• Write:
  • Letters, not emails or texts, but pen to paper letters to friends and loved ones telling them about your love for them, how you admire them, how you value their friendship, etc., These are treasured gifts that only you can give to someone. They will be a treasure when they are received and for years to come!
  • Journal, about your day if you wish but even more precious is to journal about your life. Tell your story. Share with future generations your life, trials, experiences, and wisdom. I’d pay a king’s ransom for a journal like that that had once belonged to my dad, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc.
• Create or Learn to:
  • Paint, bake, build, sew, knit, sculpt, learn and play music, garden, grow herbs or flowers.
• Volunteer:
  • Give of your time and talent to nursing homes, schools, community or church organizations. Tutor, teach, encourage!
• Visit (be physically, emotionally, spiritually present):
  • Take a friend out for coffee or lunch.
  • Invite someone over for a puzzle or to play cards.
  • Ask someone to go for a walk.
  • Start an in-person book or bible study.

Our time here on earth is precious. No one on their deathbed will look back on their life and say, “I wish I would have spent more time scrolling through Facebook. I wish I could like one more meme.“, or “I thought for sure the image of the tiramisu I shared would have gotten more likes.” No, the regrets come from not living, really living and loving others.

As has been said before, love is spelled T-I-M-E. Show me where a man spends his time and I will show you what he loves. The time I’ve spent scrolling and liking, I cannot get back. It is gone. However, what I do from this moment forward, with the time I have and the choices I make, can change my life and lives of others for eternity. Lord, give me the grace to begin living beyond the likes and live for you and those you’ve placed in my life!

Agree, disagree? Let me know in the comments. Have other ideas to either reduce the phone addiction or ideas to fill that extra time with meaningful, life-giving action? Let me know that as well. Thanks for reading!