Dismantling Your Heart-Wall for True Freedom

When I was 6 years-old someone I dearly loved said something that hurt my tiny heart. It was here that I laid the first stone of a massive wall to protect my heart. When I was 13, again a traumatic event led me to continue work on this heart wall.

Over the years, I continued to build up this wall. Each stone had its own label, purpose, and reason. Each stone was placed to protect that part of my heart that had been wounded in an attempt to keep that hurt from ever happening again.

This stone wall that protected my heart grew over time. I cared for it well. Each stone was carefully placed. The stones of the wall were mortared together with grout provided by the lies of my adversary.

As the years went on, the wall grew in height and length until it completely encircled -and entombed- my heart. I was well protected…or so I thought. You see, there’s a problem with this type of wall, this stony defense. It is this:

I thought my heart-wall was a sturdy defense but I later realized it was a prison cell that I had built for my heart. It kept pain out but it also kept love out. I was safe in its confines but I was also trapped; I was unable to get love out to others. I was so sure of my wall but as of late I have learned this lesson well:

Unless the LORD build the house, they labor in vain who build.

Unless the LORD guard the city, in vain does the guard keep watch.

Psalm 127:1

I was building a wall. God wanted to build a house. (He says, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock“, not “I stand by your wall“). I wanted to keep watch over my heart. God wanted to free my heart. I wanted to never experience pain again. God wanted to elevate and use that pain for my healing and redemption. I was building with stones I had picked up and refused to let go. God wanted to be the cornerstone. I wanted to be a rock. He is the Rock and a life not built upon Him will not stand.

Over the past 3 years He has systematically, and oftentimes painfully, been dismantling my wall. He took away my father and pushed me to become a man. He took away alcohol and forced me to deal with my long-suppressed emotions; I could no longer hide behind the bottle-stone. He took away the bag of sin-stones I carried about with me everywhere and cast it into an abyss. He breached the wall, creating an opening for my wife and her love. The wall is nearly destroyed and I have never felt more free in my life.

We all have this heart-wall, everyone of us. It is part of our fallen nature. We want to avoid pain and protect ourselves. No one is blaming you for that. No one is blaming you for the things that have happened to you. However, your wall, like mine was, is keeping you from experiencing love and life. No matter what you believe about your wall, how much you love it, how much comfort it may give you; it is a prison. Ask the Lord to break your wall to pieces. He will do it!

I’m obviously no expert but here are some of the things that have helped me on this journey and the destruction of this prison heart-wall.

1. Prayer – ask the Lord for help. Ask others to pray for your intentions. Ask me! Ask a Saint for his or her intercession. Prayer is powerful.
2. Abandon Addictions – I know, easier said than done. Seek help, an accountability partner, A.A., or professional help. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. As a priest once told me, “Your habits weren’t formed in a day and you won’t break them in a day. Be patient and keep trying, don’t give up.“
3. Be Patient with Yourself – I have a mental practice where I go through those past hurts and traumatic events. Yet, now I am no longer beating myself up or condemning myself. Rather, I comfort myself. I tell my younger self that it wasn’t your fault. If there was someone else involved, they too were and are in need of healing. I speak to myself at that age as I would one of my own children; not condemning, not embarrassing, not blaming but simply holding, comforting, and loving – letting myself know that God will use this to do wonderful things. He’s like that. He loves to heal and redeem.
4. Study – If you’ve read any of my blog posts you know that I am a reader and constantly on the lookout for things that will make my life and the lives of others better. Here are some of the most powerful books I’ve read recently that have helped me in the dismantling of my heart-wall.
   • The Gap and The Gain
   • Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
   • The Beginner’s Guide to Stoicism: Tools for Emotional Resilience and Positivity (This book has been extremely helpful especially if one reads it through the eyes of Faith)
5. Dialogue/Talk – If you were to ask my wife, this is one thing I’ve always hated. I never saw the value of talking about problems. I simply dealt with them in my own way – mostly by hiding behind my wall. Now that I’ve learned to truly share from the heart with someone I trust, it has changed my world. This could be a spouse, trusted friend, spiritual director, or professional. If it’s not a professional or spiritual director, make sure it is someone you can truly trust with your heart and they can trust you with theirs. This may take some time and that’s okay. There are plenty of websites with sample questions to discuss. Make sure you aren’t simply giving one-word answers but also answer how the question/response makes you feel and why.
6. Go On Retreat – Find a retreat where God can work with you on pulling down your wall. It won’t be fun, it may even be painful, but it will be worth it. He wants to heal you, trust Him. Some retreat suggestions:
   • Damascus Catholic Mission Campus (Men’s and Women’s Retreats)
   • Abbey of Gethsemani (Self Guided Retreat)
   • Marriage Encounter (While not technically a retreat, our Encounter Weekend broke through so many walls we were both building and has changed the trajectory of our marriage)
   • Healing the Whole Person Retreat – This is excellent. Nicole and I attended two years ago and got so much out of it.

Again, I am not a therapist, guide, mentor, or anything of the sort. I’m simply sharing some of my journey here with you. I hope it helps in some way and gives you the courage to begin the hard work of dismantling the wall around your heart. You and I and the world will be better for it in the end. Only He, with our cooperation, can take those stones and create a firm foundation for a full life, but He has to be the foundation. Thanks for reading!!